The Broken Bone Theory of Grief™

A trauma-informed, somatic model of grief that honors the body's natural response to loss and our deeply human capacity to repair.

The Core Premise

Grief is not just in the mind. It's not just about sadness.

Grief is biological. It’s in the body, immediate and uninvited. From the second loss hits, your body is already responding—even if you haven’t caught up emotionally. Just like a bone breaks instantly, grief fractures something deep within us.

But grief doesn’t break us.

And just like a broken bone, grief needs care.

Repair will try to happen. Your body wants to repair. But repair doesn’t mean ignoring the pain or pushing through. Repair needs time. It needs space. It needs the right support.

If we ignore a physical break, try to keep walking on it, pretend it’s not there, we risk permanent damage. Grief is no different. Left unattended, it can repair in ways that leave us sore, tender, and misaligned.

But if we learn to listen, to tend, to support the body’s process—we can mend. Not back to who we were, but into someone reshaped by love, loss, and resilience.

The Five Components of the Broken Bone Theory™

1. The Break Is Instant, Even If the Pain Isn’t

The moment loss happens, grief begins.

You may not feel it right away. You might feel numb. You might be busy making arrangements, caring for others, showing up at work. But that doesn’t mean your grief hasn’t started.

Just like a bone might break and adrenaline masks the pain, grief often begins in silence. The body knows before the mind does.

Hormones shift. Your nervous system reacts. Your body begins trying to stabilize something it knows has fractured.

Grief doesn’t wait for your calendar to clear. It begins and often waits for you to catch up.

2. The Body Wants to Repair

Your grief is not proof that you’re broken. It’s proof that something meaningful existed—and that your body is doing what it can to mend.

You may cry without warning. You may feel exhausted all the time. You might lose your appetite or eat more. You might feel nothing, and wonder why you don’t feel more.

These are all part of your biology attempting repair.

Repair is not always graceful. Sometimes it’s messy. Sometimes it’s quiet. Sometimes it aches.

But the body knows the way. It wants to move toward repair. We just have to stop getting in its way.

3. Care Changes the Outcome

A broken bone will try to repair—but if it’s misaligned, ignored, or overused, the outcome can be complicated. It may repair, but not well.

The same is true with grief.

We repair more fully when we rest, allowing our systems to recover without pressure to move on. We stabilize by creating consistent rhythms, safe relationships, and boundaries. We nourish through creative expression, connection, nutrition, and movement. We receive support from therapists, peers, grief groups, or even rituals.

Without these, grief may settle in painful ways—rigid, unyielding, or quietly disruptive.

Your grief deserves care.

4. Past Breaks Matter

If you’ve had other losses, this one might feel bigger than expected—or strangely familiar.

Why? Because old grief lives in the body too.

Every time we’ve been unsupported in the past, this current fracture becomes more complex. It’s not just this loss you’re carrying—it’s all the ones that came before.

That doesn’t mean you’re doing it wrong. It means your body remembers.

Each fracture influences the next. That doesn’t mean repair isn’t possible. It means we may need a little more time, a little more gentleness, and maybe some outside help.

5. Delayed Grief Is Still Real Grief

Some people feel the break right away. Others don’t notice until much later.

Maybe you didn’t have time to grieve. Maybe you didn’t feel safe to. Maybe you didn’t know how.

Then one day, a sound, a smell, a photo—something cracks open a space you didn’t know was still tender.

This is still grief. It’s still valid. And it’s still worthy of care.

Your body waited until it felt safe enough to feel. That’s not a weakness. That’s wisdom.

Using the Broken Bone Theory™ in Life and Practice

For Individuals:

You are not doing it wrong. You are not behind. You are not broken.

You are repairing.

If you feel worse after a few months, that doesn’t mean you’re regressing. It means your body is finally ready to tend to the pain.

Ask yourself: If this grief were a bone, how would I care for it? What would rest, protection, and nourishment look like for me?

You deserve that care. Your repair matters.

For Clinicians, Educators and Supporters:

Use this metaphor to speak to the somatic truth of grief.

It’s especially powerful for clients who feel numb, stuck, or ashamed of not getting better.

Try inviting reflection with questions like: How has your grief been cared for? What past losses might be affecting this one? If grief is like a fracture, what kind of cast or support would help right now?

This model invites gentleness. It lowers defenses. It helps grief feel less like a personal failure and more like what it truly is: a process that deserves care.

A Closing Reflection

You wouldn’t shame someone for limping after breaking their leg. You wouldn’t rush them back to running.

So why expect anything different with grief?

Loss may fracture something. But repair is always trying to begin.

The question is: will we give it what it needs?

Even now, even here, your body is trying to move toward repair. Let it.

Because you are not broken. You are becoming.